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Archive for the ‘Kensington Report’ Category

SCIENTISTS SAY DOGS ARE GETTING SMARTER.

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Scientists are now predicting that dogs may one day be smarter than humans. It seems they’ve found that dog’s brains have been growing larger while the human brain has actually been shrinking. Watch this video for further detail – and be nicer to Fido. Your future ancestors will thank you.

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Written by heavynews

June 7, 2007 at 5:11 pm

DO BABIES LEAVE US VULNERABLE TO ALIEN ATTACK?

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Scientists wonder if babies may leave the human race vulnerable to alien attack.

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May 24, 2007 at 2:42 pm

SCIENTIFIC PROOF THAT CELEBRITIES ARE SUPER-HUMAN!

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Long on intuition, but short on actual proof, it has always been presumed that celebrities are a rare breed of super-humans possessing powers that mere uncelebrity mortals can only dream of. Well, now there is scientific proof that celebrities really are better than the rest of us (Paris Hilton included!).

Doah!

Written by heavynews

May 17, 2007 at 5:36 pm

FORGET THE APPLE iPHONE. YOU’D BE iCRAZY TO NOT GET THIS NEW MOBILE PHONE!

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Scientists have perfected the world’s smallest mobile phone. As tech-gadgets go, the size of your mobile phone is in proportional opposite to your schmeckle.

Written by heavynews

April 7, 2007 at 9:53 pm

THINKING CAUSES CANCER! A KENSINGTON REPORT EXCLUSIVE.

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New research links thinking with cancer. The Kensington Report reports that government officials are urging citizens to stop thinking as a safeguard until more research, or a cure is available. Officials said they may institute even stronger “no thinking” policy soon. In related news, stocks for Hollywood entertainment conglomerates went up as traders saw the future demand for movies that cause no thought whatsoever to be extremely valuable in this new health scare environment.

Other Kensington Report reports:

MINDJACKING: TEEN TREND ALERT. Teens Using Computers To Control People’s Brains.
Racism Caused By Cheese.

Written by heavynews

March 22, 2007 at 7:25 pm

TEEN TREND ALERT! TEENS ARE USING COMPUTERS TO CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE’S BRAINS.

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Teens, always looking for the next new thing, have taken a break from their MySpace pages and have jumped into the new teen trend called “mindjacking”, or “brain riding”. The trend started in England and has caused wide-spread panic as this Kensington Report shows in shocking detail.

Other Kensington Report reports:

Thinking Causes Cancer!
Racism Caused By Cheese.

Written by heavynews

March 15, 2007 at 5:47 pm

BREAKING: RACISM CAUSED BY CHEESE SAYS NEW RESEARCH!

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According to new research from the U.K., racism is linked to cheese consumption. Critics contend that the study focused primarily on non-pasteurized cheese and cannot be linked conclusivley until further studies come to light. The Kensington Report reports.

Other Kensington Report reports:
Thinking Causes Cancer!
MINDJACKING: Teens Using Computers To Control People’s Brains.

Written by heavynews

March 8, 2007 at 5:38 pm