HEAVY NEWS

The candidates were asked to make change at the last democratic debate. Sadly, Barak Obama and Hillary Clinton had none. If I had 4 quarters for a dollar, I would totally make change for this hot reporter!

And best of all, she gets to vote! And what’s even scarier is that there are more people like Kelly Pickler and Miss South Carolina than there are of you and your erudite buddies. If you thought there was no chance in hell that Mike Huckabee could be the next President of the United States, guess again. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again ; the movie “Idiocracy” is not a fictional satire, it is a crystal ball.

This commercial for Republican Presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee, proves that Mike Judge’s 2006 film, “Idiocracy”, was not a futuristic satire, but a documentary from the future. How did the Republican Party fall this far from the tree? We can’t wait for the democratic response – my money is on Hillary doing “Dick in a Box” with Justin Timberlake while gloating that her Johnson is firm on foreign policy.

Poor Mattel. They’ve had a tough year. First there was the recall on the Barbie accessories, then the Big Big World 6-in-1 Bongo Band Toys, the Geo Trax Locomotive Toys, and now comes a recall of their new Bump ‘Em Hump ‘Em Robots. A Mattel spokesperson commented that they deeply regret any emotional harm caused by the production and marketing gaffe and promises to make a healthy donation to the Parents Against Same Sex Robot Relations and the Committee to Re-Elect Anyone Who Hates Gays.

Scientists are now predicting that dogs may one day be smarter than humans. It seems they’ve found that dog’s brains have been growing larger while the human brain has actually been shrinking. Watch this video for further detail – and be nicer to Fido. Your future ancestors will thank you.

Ah, summer. Sipping on mint julip mojito marguerites by the inflatable pool while watching your skin Kentucky fry to a golden crisp which will inevitably turn cancerous and kill you before your time. You see, summer always starts with the same level of optimism and wishful thinking, but then reality sets in. Hot anticipated “Summer Blockbuster” movies turn out to be a bummer summer of sequels. “Summer Love” turns into Summer of “i didn’t know she wasn’t 18″. We’ve all seen this movie. Let the Summer of Suck begin.

R Kelly flirts with water sports, Costner returns to Water World, Lost gets watered down, and Bush meets his Waterloo. All this and more on this week’s American Suck Countdown. Enjoy.

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Savor the suck and be good to one another.