HEAVY NEWS

The candidates were asked to make change at the last democratic debate. Sadly, Barak Obama and Hillary Clinton had none. If I had 4 quarters for a dollar, I would totally make change for this hot reporter!

This commercial for Republican Presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee, proves that Mike Judge’s 2006 film, “Idiocracy”, was not a futuristic satire, but a documentary from the future. How did the Republican Party fall this far from the tree? We can’t wait for the democratic response – my money is on Hillary doing “Dick in a Box” with Justin Timberlake while gloating that her Johnson is firm on foreign policy.

Nine-year old inventors created the invention of the century, solving neither-region problems for wedgie recipients everywhere. Fox News broke the story – take that CNN!

Here’s this weeks American Suck Countdown. Enjoy you bastards.

Call me crazy, but something tells me that these two had passionate make-up sex after this little fight on TV.

Local FOX NEWS reporter, Kathleen Cochran, fondles a putty-tat and pays the price. Oh, my – what these reporters won’t do to get the hard news stories!

In what could only be described as journalism’s (and I use that term loosely here) most “awkward” moment ever, Glen “the sex machine” Beck has solidified himself in the annals of CNN history as the creepiest news host ever – a distinction that Lou Dobbs held until now. I felt like I was watching “To Catch A Preditor”.

Anne Coulter, known in some circles as the “Joe Biden of the right”, or “that fetching blonde who always says stupid things in public just like Joe Biden — but conservative” has publicly apologized for calling John Edwards a “faggot” in her own special non-apologetic kind of way. What has this country come to when you can’t even use the word “faggot” in a public political discourse? That’s how you take national Lincoln-Douglas debating championships home – you drop the “f-bomb” and presto, end of debate. Referring to your opponent as a “faggot”, when in a war of words, will always trump anything long-winded you have to say as a rebuttal. I highly suggest John Edwards form a comeback that says something to the effect of, “I had sexual relations with your mother’s second hole last night, and just because she’s a little manish, that doesn’t make me all faggoty”. That gets ‘em everytime.

This is a video “ode” to Mark Mathis, the infamous weatherman from FOX NEWS CHARLOTTE. Mark was like that crazy uncle of the family who bought you and your friends beer and did rails off an intern’s breasts because a mirrored table had become too blase. Mark was eventually fired from Fox News Charlotte, but only after he had returned to work clean from rehab. Apparently the ratings sunk as Charlottans grew tired of the newly sober weatherman. We salute you, Mark Mathis, and as with all newscasters that get fired with panache, you always have a job with us at Heavy News. Give us a call.