HEAVY NEWS

Tom Cruise just amped crazy up to 11. I just Thetan’d up in my mouth a little.

Hayden Panettiere is an Italian-American actress, singer, and Grammy Award nominee. She is best known for her role as Claire Bennett in “Heroes”, and also had memorable roles in “Ally McBeal”, “One Life to Live” and “Guiding Light.” She’s also slated to release her debut solo album in December 2007. In this faux interview segment, The Heavy Show host Taryn Southern talks with Hayden Panettiere about drugs, and whether heroes use them, especially for 6 months straight.

The candidates were asked to make change at the last democratic debate. Sadly, Barak Obama and Hillary Clinton had none. If I had 4 quarters for a dollar, I would totally make change for this hot reporter!

And best of all, she gets to vote! And what’s even scarier is that there are more people like Kelly Pickler and Miss South Carolina than there are of you and your erudite buddies. If you thought there was no chance in hell that Mike Huckabee could be the next President of the United States, guess again. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again ; the movie “Idiocracy” is not a fictional satire, it is a crystal ball.

This commercial for Republican Presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee, proves that Mike Judge’s 2006 film, “Idiocracy”, was not a futuristic satire, but a documentary from the future. How did the Republican Party fall this far from the tree? We can’t wait for the democratic response - my money is on Hillary doing “Dick in a Box” with Justin Timberlake while gloating that her Johnson is firm on foreign policy.

Nine-year old inventors created the invention of the century, solving neither-region problems for wedgie recipients everywhere. Fox News broke the story - take that CNN!

If you’re like most people wondering how the the current sub-prime market fiasco got out of hand, then you’re thinking too hard and should get back to spending money you don’t have on things you do not need. But for those of you who just can’t move on without a sound explanation, then watch this gem from the The Long Johns, two english bankers who keep it real.

It’s The Heavy Show, starring host Taryn Southern. This week, Taryn brings you all the dirt on …

Britney Spears’ potential gig as a bartender in Viceroy Hotel in Santa Monica

The jewelry line that sued disturbed Britney Spears fan Chris Crocker (”Leave Britney Alone!”)

The latest gossip on Brangelina, including what off-Broadway show they attended recently

In the Celebritics segment, Sharon Osbourne talks about stem cell research, and talks down to Taryn.

Plus, see the trailer to Lindsay Lohan’s latest movie!

It’s time for News Channel 12’s Pat Murphy with sports, and the most hilariously inappropriate clip possible. The story: paralyzed Buffalo Bills tight end Kevin Everett has regained feeling in his arms and legs. But the footage? Something else entirely different. Let’s go to weather!